Off the Mat Moms: Lesson 3 Asteya

Last year, my good friend Carrie was expecting a baby.  She and her husband John were over the moon with excitement, and couldn’t wait to dive head first into their new role as parents.   John comes from a big family, and as the first to marry, his parents had been asking bluntly “so when are we going to have a grandchild?” for years.  She also has a three siblings, and was following in her sister’s footsteps of marrying fairly young and starting a family.  As the big moment approached, John’s and Carrie’s parents each sent something to show their support and love for the little bundle on the way:  a stroller, a car seat, dozens of teeny-outfits and the much-needed digital camera.  As Carrie and John scrambled to make room for baby, they found they had all they needed, but nothing they didn’t.  They were practical, thoughtful, worrisome and a little wide-eyed.  (One step inside Babies R Us will do that to anyone, expecting or not!)

One cold winter weekend in January, Carrie and John took off on a “babymoon,” one last weekend of rest, relaxation and carefree childless living.  When Carrie returned from the weekend away in snowy Vermont, she called to tell me about a baby shower she witnessed in the quaint but elegant country inn where they stayed.

“This shower was huge!  There had to have been 75 people there, and they had this amazing luncheon, beautiful centerpieces and the biggest pile of gifts I have ever seen!”  Carrie, always the simple, understated one, added, “I mean, how much can one tiny person really need?  All they do is eat, sleep and poop, right?”  She was right, and she was being honest too. She had gone directly to the back of the book “Baby Bargains” for the essentials list before asking for all holiday gifts to be for baby.  But I could sense behind her genuine surprise there also remained a sadness.  For all of the gifts she had received for her baby on the way, not one was accompanied by a lavish luncheon or a huge buttercream frosted cake.  None of her long-lost cousins or aunts or uncles even knew she was expecting, never mind attended a shower in her and John’s honor.  I could tell, when she described the event at the inn, that a piece of her felt she had missed out.

We talked about it over steaming cups of herbal tea while searching the Internet for the best baby carriers money could buy.  I asked her why she really cared about a big party anyway, knowing how simply she had planned her own wedding and how frugal she was with her personal life.

“I don’t care really – I guess I just don’t understand.  Why do some families go above and beyond, and focus on life events as if they are actually happening to the entire group, while others send you what you need and check on you by phone, but don’t really show their excitement in the same way?”

I knew what she meant.  I recently attended a baby shower where every gift was a handmade quilt using the mother-to-be’s own childhood baby blankets, or personalized, hand-crafted scrap books written and created by her five-year-old niece.  I, too, admit to being highly impressed, yet mostly envious.

Why are some life events elaborately celebrated, while others are simply a weekend saved on the calendar?  And why should it matter so much?   Is it a cultural phenomenon, or does it have more to do with the strength of our relationships?  If we find ourselves lacking for attention when a celebration is in order, does it mean we are not worthy of such celebration, or that our friends and family are just too busy or too self-absorbed to participate in our lives?

The third yama, Asteya, is defined as non-stealing.  Asteya directs us to focus only on our own needs, and encourages the willfull letting go of our desires for what others have.

After all, for every fancy baby shower or lavish wedding that is celebrated, there is a quiet, simply happy bride, mom-to-be or even a career woman with her dream job, quietly celebrating in her own way, without the nostalgic quilts or hefty price tag of a country inn luncheon.

Today, Carrie has a beautiful baby girl named Stella.  She has these amazing eyelashes, so long you know the boys will line up at her front door for just one look out from under them.  Carrie has adapted well to motherhood, and John is an amazing father, incredibly attentive and helpful, yet pathetically worried about his baby girl when the smallest of cries can be heard coming from her crib.  Carrie doesn’t need a fancy quilt or a huge photo album of a baby shower fit for a queen.  Her royal highness sleeps soundly in her arms, and that’s all that matters now.

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