The Maze of Motherhood
February 6, 2010 by thepranamama
Filed under Mom's the Word
It’s Friday afternoon. Dozens of children are swirling about, running, jumping, laughing…Disney music blares as parents shout to be heard above all the commotion. I am sitting in an aluminum and canvas chair, normally found poolside or in the beauty of a quiet garden on a summer afternoon, with nearly the same amount of peace.
On this cold February day, the local indoor playspace is bustling with activity, as so many families have come to burn off the high energy caused by winter in New England. As I sit in the midst of such chaos, I find myself in a bubble of serenity, unphased by the cries of a child protesting that it’s time to leave, or the parent whose toddler-speak seems louder and more irritating than the third repetition the Winnie the Pooh theme song blaring through the sound system.
For one, I am sitting down. It’s possibly the first time I’ve done so with any degree of relaxation in a long time. Secondly, I’ve unpacked a magazine I brought along, one which has sat in my house for months unopened.
Although I long to dive into my reading, I can’t take my eyes off my kids – a mother’s habit, I guess. They are climbing through the mesh jungle gym together —my daughter, who turns five next week, helps her younger brother when he needs a boost to the next level. He patiently waits and she tries several different techniques, and before long, they have together come up with the easiest and fastest way up.
At this moment, they appear to be the best of friends, racing through the maze, laughing as they bump into each other and the large, colorful foam pillars throughout, and sliding side-by-side down the large yellow chute to the ground level. In a fit of giggles, they make their way back to the start of the maze, and do it all over again.
I’m watching them with awe, remembering how I used to avoid this place like the plague. After one particularly traumatic visit when my son was an infant, my young daughter screamed in fear from the highest point in the maze. As I looked up through the criss-cross canvas floor at her red face, streamed with tears, I froze. With a three-month-old strapped to my chest, I had no way of safely climbing up to comfort and retrieve her.
When they got a little older, my daredevil toddler son would seek out the most dangerous and dirty areas of the space, even those off-limits (underneath the 20×10-ft. trampoline was a favorite of his). I struggled to keep both eyes on both kids, as my shy daughter still required a bit of assistance on the climbing structure and didn’t want to play where her brother was.
The neat row of patio chairs was usually filled with moms, chatting with each other or buried in the latest issue of Oprah magazine. I loathed them. I imagined I’d never be in one of those seats, with my eyes focused on anything other than my children. I wondered if they had any memory of the days their obviously older kids were young, and concluded that the negative feelings those women would stir up in me made the whole trip completely unenjoyable. We kept our distance from this place and found other, more manageable activities elsewhere.
And here I was, only a year or so later, sitting with the other moms, with my magazine in my lap, watching my growing children independently enjoying this place they have so often begged to return to.
My, how things have changed. After struggling through the maze of motherhood, I have reached the big yellow slide. After questioning my strength, fighting my way to the next level, with many foam pillars blocking my way, I have finally made it to the very best part, and the thrilling, joyful ride down the chute is my reward.
Staying home with young children has been an upward climb. Now that they’ve grown out of babyhood, this childhood phase is a wonderful ride. I can feel the wind in my hair as we slide down the chute of life together, without many of the challenges of years past.
I do know, however, there will be more hardships to come, as I’ve heard from so many moms at various stages of parenting. As fun as the ride is now, the slide will bring us to the bottom again, and I’ll have to fight my way back to the top. Watching my kids work together to navigate the maze, I can’t help but think of those who helped me up when I needed some guidance of my own. Like them, I know the fastest and easiest route to the slide. When the time comes to start the climb over, I know I can get there again.
Watching my kids today, I am surprised at how difficult it is to relax. Every minute or so I scan the room for my daughter’s brightly striped top and my son’s red fleece sweatsuit. Each time I spot them through the walls of criss-crossed bands, I watch them through the remainder of the maze until they safely slide down the chute. With every descent, their bodies are faster and their smiles wider.
I breathe deeply, watch them begin the upward journey once more, and my gaze returns to the magazine on my lap. As I flip the glossy colorful pages, I can’t help but wonder how many other moms are loathing me at that moment. If only they knew about my personal maze.
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Amy… Believe me, once you’ve been through the h*ll of having 2 babies, you never forget. Every time I see another mom with 2 little ones, I ask her how she’s doing. All I remember from those days is trying to live one moment to the next, and questioning why on earth I ever decided to have 2 babies close together. When I was in the middle of it, I just couldn’t picture myself ever being normal again. The sheer exhaustion of trying to care for 2 babies sucked every ounce of energy out of me. Those were the most difficult and depressing years of my life. I only found out later that I had post partum depression, which explained some of the desperation I felt each and every day. I am very, VERY happy to report that as easy as you’re finding it now, it’ll only get easier! Yes, you’ll come to bumps in the road, but nothing will ever compare to the first 3 years. As completely crazy as it sounds, I am actually so glad I had 2 so close together now that I’ve survived those early years. My kids are 9 & 10 years old now and have been best friends since my youngest was 3. They do all the same things, read the same books, watch the same TV shows, laugh at the same jokes… it brings such joy to my heart to see them so close and so devoted to each other. In hindsight, I’d do it all again and I wouldn’t change a thing. I just wish I’d known then what I know now because I would have enjoyed their babyhood that much more. When I was in the middle of the misery, I couldn’t imagine it ever getting easier and I was overcome with saddness and desperation. If I could, I would go back in time and tell myself that those years are so fleeting, that it does get easier and that those two beautiful babies will grow up and become best friends… but alas, when you’re in the middle of it all, you can’t see the forest for the trees and you feel trapped in the day to day struggle just to keep your sanity.
Summer
What a thoughtful and reassuring comment – thank you Summer! It’s really great to hear that you have never had any regrets and would do it over again in a heartbeat. I remember thinking, when it was so hard in the early days of having 2, “Why didn’t anyone ever tell me it would be this hard?” I thought of everyone I knew who had similar or even closer spacing between siblings, and I felt totally duped. Now I realize everyone has their own experience, and I too, was suffering from PPD but didn’t know it or want to admit it. Thanks, as always, Summer, for making me and other moms feel a little less alone!
Love the analogy of the slide.
My kids keep getting better as they get older. Now my 12, 10, 7 & 5 yr olds are the best! They are independent enough to get their own snacks, can even babysit and swim alone at the pool (except the 5 year old), have great extra-curricular activities where I get to cheer to my heart’s content, are developing their own unique talents & gifts with amazing results. I keep telling myself to cherish these years, the baby days are gone, the teenage years yet to come. It is like a bubble in time, fragile and beautiful.
I love being a mother.
Amy, I felt the same way… wondering why no one ever told me how hard it would be! Not only did I, too, feel duped, I felt completely isolated as well. It seemed like everyone else around me was happy and content with their own situation. It almost seems like it’s taboo to share your struggles.
I’ve had two instances recently where I’ve had the opportunity to “warn” soon to be moms of 2-under-2. One mom was this sweet woman I met at McDonald’s one day. She was hugely pregnant and trying to cut up some chicken nuggets for her 15 month old. I told her that I, too, had 2 babies close in age and she asked me to tell her the truth about how hard it’s going to be for her. I told her that it’s indescribably difficult for the first 3 years of the youngest one’s life, especially if she has no family around to help her. Then I told her how wonderful it is after those 3 years are up. You kind of have to gear yourself up for the difficult years. Had I known how hard it was going to be, I know I would have handled it much better.
It feels so good to be able to offer a little sound advice… I remember a couple of times when I was struggling with the 2 babies, and some stranger would say the simple words, “it gets easier,” and I’d instantly feel better. There’s nothing like hearing a kind word when you’re in the middle of the most difficult time of your life
You’re heading down easy street now… have fun with your kids now that they don’t suck every ounce of energy out of you!
Summer
Summer: My youngest is 2 1/2 this week – we’re in the home stretch!!
Donna: you’re the best, thanks for your positive insight as well! I didn’t realize your youngest was the same age as my oldest.
What a poignant post and comments. I think we should all write a book: The Real Truth of 2 under 2. My children now 8 and 7 are just 17 months apart. It wasn’t planned, as I was still adjusting to being a new mom with my first! My family is filled with these amazing moms who seemingly loved hanging out all day with their babies and I too, didn’t feel I could share my struggles, as that was not natural for me at the time. It’s a pretty lonely place, indeed. Certainly the first two years were the toughest. Add to that a younger child with sensory issues (we couldn’t go anywhere with noise, lights, etc. for the first year of his life), and well, you get the picture. I did have some support, but didn’t feel safe in saying I wasn’t ecstatically happy all of the time. I would have loved to have some classes like Itsy Bitsy Yoga or the like then. I think PPD is much more common than anyone realizes.
My kiddos are also the best of friends these days and I love to see their bond in action. Just today, my 7 yr. son attended a birthday party and when goodie bags were handed out, he wondered if he could have one for his sister as he knew she would love the the particular contents. Then, he realized he could just give her his, which he did.
Thanks for sharing – and especially for creating a safe and sacred space for moms to be supported. Your honestly is enlightening and is helping many!
Lisa, Thank you for sharing your story and insight. It’s so important for moms to be open and honest with each other, so we can all support one another. You are so right about feeling alone when friends and relatives “seemingly love hanging out with their babies.” Something I remember when I look back at my loneliness, is that this word “seemingly” is key – there are many moms struggling or not entirely happy, but they put on quite a show for others, because it’s what is expected of us as mothers. I agree with you that there are probably far more moms who were unhappy or even depressed but no one ever noticed or cared to ask them how they were doing.