In Search of the Forgotten Backrub

I was at my gym’s outdoor, family-friendly pool yesterday for one of the last times this summer, having a fabulous time people-watching as my kids splashed and played in the walk-in shallow end for a change.  I couldn’t help but notice this crazy glow coming from every direction!  As I sat there on the water’s edge, it seemed like an explosion of procreators.   Women were slathering sunscreen on their kids, unpacking snacks and chasing toddlers with towels.  But many were also sporting beautiful, round pregnant bellies, and I marveled at both their energy and their ability to take on at least one more rugrat (something I highly doubt I could ever do).

I loved pregnancy, probably because I had few side effects or symptoms and no complications.  I sometimes can’t help myself from staring at others’ baby bellies, and think how nice it would be to do it again.

“OK, snap out of it!” I tell myself, “because that wonderful state of pregnancy only lasts nine months.”  When I come back to reality,  I wonder why it is that I loved being pregnant?  Getting fat, feeling tired, and being banned from alcohol and caffeine is not the appeal.  Is it the cute maternity clothes?  Definitely not.  I have a suspicion what it was about for me, and it makes me feel very selfish.  Could it be the T.L.C.?

I’m a classic middle child – the one who didn’t get enough attention, the one who did as she was told and never spoke out against anything.  In a family of six, I was lost in the shuffle, somehow not as smart as one sister, not as talented as another and not as needy as the youngest.  I was just me, living a typical middle class American childhood – nothing particularly noteworthy, and not much of a complainer.  So, there were very few times in my life when I got a lot of extra care or special attention.  Pregnancy, for nine short months, brought this on.  No wonder I loved it!

Why is it that a pregnant women gets all of this attention, extra care and nurturing, but as soon as her baby is born, the mom is forgotten?

For nine months, as a woman carries a baby in her womb, friends, relatives and even strangers take constant care of her.  People ask how is she feeling and what can be done to help her.  Strangers give up seats at busy airports or malls, and families rally around her with gifts, advice and concern for her physical well-being.  Especially women will offer pillows and footstools to make a pregnant friend more comfortable, and will vigilently consider the dietary restrictions by preparing special meals and “mocktails” to accommodate pregnancy while not wanting to leave her out of the fun.  I remember, even before I was even thinking about having babies, my grandmother would stop me from carrying heavy objects, patting my lower abdomen, as if she was afraid I’d damage my reproductive system!  (My sister and I laughed and laughed at this, every time it happened.)

But usually, unless Mom has serious complications or a very difficult side effects from giving birth, all of this attention and care ends with the birth of her baby.  A woman goes from being the center of attention to a mere machine used to deliver this child to their lives.  In the hospital, the mother is monitored and cared for, but once sent home with a clean bill of health and a little bundle of joy, she is on her own.

“How’s the baby? How’s he sleeping? Are his nails too long? Is he too cold?  What did the doctor say at his check-up? Do you think he has a temperature?  Is he comfortable in that bassinette? Maybe his car seat straps are too loose.  Is he eating enough?”…. These questions come from visitor upon visitor, each wanting a peek at the new baby, and usually without first asking if the new parents aren’t too tired, or if Mom is feeling up to it, since she is herself healing and recovering from childbirth.

No one seems to remember what an amazing job the mother’s body must do to bring a child into the world.  It’s almost like people take the whole thing for granted.

And so here it is, my pregnant friends….more advice!  (I know, I can hear the groans.)  Please, please, PLEASE

remember to  take care of your baby, take care of yourself, and stand up for your health in those first few weeks.  You need your strength and your sleep to recover and care for your baby.  Don’t be afraid of hurting people’s feelings by rescheduling a visit when you’ve had a rough night.  Don’t forget that you’ll be sore, bleeding and, if you are breastfeeding, you’ll be working very hard to

establish this often difficult process.  Remember, you have worked for nine months to take care of yourself and your body for your baby’s well-being.  Don’t stop now just because your baby is now sleeping soundly in your arms rather than your belly.  He still needs you healthy, rested and strong, to love, nurture and care for him like no one else can.

And even if no one else is treating you as such, you are Number One in your baby’s eyes.  And you always will be.

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